How to have a seamless family vaca
Recently I went to White Lake, New York with my four siblings, our significant others, & my parents. There was a total of 11 of us staying in ONE Airbnb rental so it is safe to say there were a lot of differing opinions, personalities, and lifestyles all coming together under one roof. Not only were there a ton of us, there is also alcohol, travel, and lack of sleep involved. This is the perfect recipe for a massive storm to occur, but we all made it out in one piece and without having a big a** family fight. That is a win in my book!
While I’d like to say this was my doing, it truly wasn’t. I have siblings with a lot more years of mediation and compromise under their belts than I do. One thing I will say, is that my temper & patience was a lot better than it has been in the past. I want to share a few of the tools I used this past weekend that helped me keep my cool, save face, and leave the weekend feeling good, rather than filled with regret or disappointment.
If you have a blended or big family like I do, you know the struggles that can come along with family trips, holidays, and other big get-togethers. Of course it’s not all bad — I love my family & I love being part of a big family. That doesn’t take away from the fact that most people are part of challenging family dynamics and the older you get, the more you realize this. Being in a family setting alone can be a trigger for me. We all have childhood trauma, resentment for our parents, and conflicting opinions with even our closest family members. In the past (and even present at times), family time presented me with overwhelming amounts of triggers and feelings of panic. It was only a matter of time before I got into a fight with one of my parents or lashed out at my boyfriend or siblings. Why is that? In this post, I am going to dive into a few reasons why the holidays or family trips take more of a toll on you than you ever imagine them to. Not only am I going to hopefully bring some awareness to these reasons, but I am going to give you a few ways that you can overcome them & make these trips more fun & relaxing so you can be present and enjoy your time with your beloved family members!
Alcohol might be hurting, not helping
One thing I did this past trip was limit my alcohol intake. Now I know how this sounds. You might be thinking “Alcohol is the only way I can get through prolonged periods of time with my family” or “Drinking is part of the experience!” I am here to tell you that it is totally unnecessary and limiting your alcohol use while around your fam might just be the best thing for you. I want to be clear, I am not telling you not to enjoy yourself or have a drink or two. I am simply pointing out the fact that alcohol is only going to add stress, enhance your triggers, & potentially cause you to act in the ways you are actively trying not to act in. For me, I know my emotions are heightened when I drink so small irritants or disagreements feel much more dramatic than they actually are.
My family members are big drinkers which means every time I’d see them, we’re consuming alcohol to some degree. Regardless of how much you drink or what your tolerance is, alcohol has an effect on your nervous system, decision making, and emotions. Sometimes my most shameful moments weren’t even while I was drinking — they were the day after! If you suffer from hangxiety like I do, you get what I mean.
While alcohol is often used as a coping mechanism during the holidays and family get-togethers, I challenge you to reframe your thinking. Remind yourself that alcohol is not going to make your dad stop saying the things that p*ss you off, your mom from constantly comparing you to your sister, or your uncle from saying some unwarranted political statement. What alcohol will do is make you less likely to bite your tongue & say something you might regret the next day.
But what do you do if you feel like alcohol is your only escape & relief during these moments? First, I want you to take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that you are safe & secure in this moment and then decide what to do next. One thing that helps me is labeling my emotions. Let’s say your mom just made a comment that was totally unnecessary and it sets you off. Try to start by labeling the emotion you feel. Is it anger, insecurity, frustration, fear? Once you’ve labeling the emotion, it is a lot easier for you to decide what the next step is to prevent yourself from flying off the handle. After labeling the emotion, decide what you want to do about it. Do you want to go take a deep breath, wash your face, set a boundary, do some self-talk? Whatever it is, choose an action that will calm you down and help you make a clear decision on what to do next. It is okay to be confrontational in these moments but if you’re anything like me, you want to leave the conversation feeling like you handled yourself with grace. I hate leaving a fight feeling like I let the other person get the best of me.
I know this got very woo-woo and therapy-like so I want to add in just a few more notes & takeaways about the topic of alcohol. I set a few rules for myself when deciding if I wanted to drink or not over the weekend.
5 Quick Tips for Limiting Alcohol Intake
I asked myself if I actually wanted a drink or if I was just drinking because everyone else was. More often then not, I cracked open a hard seltzer because everyone else had one in their hand, not because I actually felt like drinking.
I set boundaries around drinking. For me, I didn’t have my first drink until 5pm. For some people, this is early. For my family, we drink all day long sometimes, so waiting to start until 5pm saved me from potentially having an extra 2-3 drinks over the course of the day. You can also set a time frame that you’re allowing yourself to drink. For example, you might say “I will only drink between 6-9pm today” or “I will only have a drink with my meals”. This just allows you to be more conscious around your alcohol consumption. Another alternative is limiting your drinks per day. You might choose to only allow yourself 3 drinks throughout the day or 2 drinks at dinner. It is totally up to you and it is whatever works best for your trip and your goals!
Before having a single drink and before going to sleep I drank an electrolyte packet. This helped with hangovers, helped me stay hydrated, and helped me stay clear-minded while I indulged. This is something I do every time I drink — not just when I travel with my family.
I stayed away from hard liquor and sugary drinks. This is a pretty unoriginal one but doing this helped me slow down how much alcohol I was consuming & it helped prevent hangovers. I mainly drank seltzers but I still had a glass of wine one night, and a margarita and a shot another night.
I didn’t drink on an empty stomach. Another no-brainer, but this ensured I didn’t get carried away in the buzz, helped with hangovers, and ensured I wasn’t overdoing it.
The theme with all of these tips is that I was mindful with my alcohol consumption. I didn’t give into the social pressures (whether they were real or imagined) and I didn’t give in to my internal pressures. I stuck to the commitments I made to myself and I ensured I was listening to my body. This didn’t just help with how much I was drinking, it also helped me stay mindful in my interactions with my family and it proved to myself that I was capable of handling myself in challenging situations.
Maintain your routines
This one was really important to me as someone who seriously struggled with food, binge eating, body dismorphia, and lack of control. One of my personal triggers is a lack of structure. Some of my other triggers that are pretty common are dehydration, feeling tired, feeling uncomfortable, and of course, alcohol or other substances (aka weed). Now you might be thinking “What do triggers have to do with routines?” Triggers have everything to do with routines. For one, a trigger sets off a routine or pattern. You get triggered and then your respond to the trigger using one of your coping strategies. This might be drinking, eating, lashing out, closing yourself off, you get the point. Basically it triggers your fight, flight, or freeze response.
Now when I say maintain your routines, I don’t mean the toxic ones, I mean the positive ones! When you’re in an unstructured, unfamiliar, or triggering environment, feeling like yourself is really important for staying true to the person you want to be. You might want to be a patient and understanding person, a good daughter or son to your parents, or someone who is go-with-the flow. Whoever you want to be or however you want to act around your family requires you to be in a good headspace. Staying true to the happy, accomplished, patient person you are outside of family time requires you to feel like the type of person you are in your normal day-to-day life.
For me, the routines that help me feel like my best self involve exercise and nutrition. Truly anything wellness-related helps me feel like myself. These things help me feel like I am prioritizing myself (even if it’s for 5 minutes) which allows me to give my all to others with the rest of my time during the day. Your routines might involve reading, journaling, meditating, having alone time, doing your skincare, having your morning coffee, stretching before bed, taking supplements, or doing your makeup. Whatever makes you feel like yourself, make some time for it.
It is important to point out that you might not have time to do your full routine when your on vaca. That doesn’t mean you give it up completely, though. Do what you can when you’re traveling.
So what does a modified routine look like?
For me, I chose 2-3 things to do in the morning to help me feel like myself. This meant that I woke up a little early so I could do these things. Typically, I like to get a workout in during the morning or early afternoon. Considering we were at an Airbnb with 3 rental cars that were not my own and no gym within a 10-15 mile radius, I settled for taking a walk. Every morning, I got up, put my typical workout clothes on, and went for a walk. The first day I was able to get in a 45 minute walk. The second day, I only had time for 15 minutes. The last day, I was able to get a 30 minute walk in! The point is that I made this a priority because it helped me be a better version of myself for the rest of the day. Another important part of my routine that may not seem like a routine on the surface is my nutrition. I eat the same thing pretty much every day so not having access to my meal prep, typical protein foods, and healthy drinks was a bit of a challenge. I know that this is something I struggle with so I prepped as best as I could. I packed my hydration packets, protein powders, creatine, and B12 vitamin. I also packed some greens powders. This isn’t something I typically consume during my routine but I knew getting in enough fruits and veggies was going to be a challenge. I compromised by at least getting a greens powder in during the morning so I had a fiber and vitamin boost. I also packed protein bars to make sure I had a healthy snack option on hand!
Another routine that helps me feel like myself is my skincare. After my morning exercise, I’d shower and do my skincare. I would take the 5 minutes to really focus on my physical health which makes me feel like I’m taking care of my mental health. While I walked and did my skincare, I also played my favorite daily Activations from the Activations app. These are something I listen to everyday so popping an earbud in while walking and doing my skincare is something I already do at home. These help me stay grounded, help me set intentions for the day, and help me feel like my best self.
Even when you’re with your family, it is important to give yourself some me-time so you can feel recharged and be the best version of yourself when interacting with them. Staying true to a few of your most important routines helps with this!
Set your intentions
This is something I recently started doing before trips to reduce my anxiety around traveling. To get a bit personal, I have a history of dreading and fearing holidays, trips, vacations, and other social events because I was scared of not being able to track my food and eat healthy. Every social event and trip would turn into a free-for-all when it came to food. I would overeat, mindlessly eat, and choose meals that didn’t serve me in the moment because I believed it was the only time I would be “allowed” to have that specific type of food. While my mindset around food is something I still struggle with, it has immensely improved — especially when it comes to trips and social events.
One of the biggest things that has helped me shift my off of food when I have an event or travel coming up is by setting my intentions for the occasion. What do I mean by this? Well in the past, the loudest thoughts in my head surrounded food. What was I going to eat? Where would I get my protein? How will I track my macros? How will I avoid binging? What I do now is focus on something else that doesn’t involve the triggering thoughts. I do this by setting my intentions for the trip. The day before my trip, the morning of, or while I am traveling to wherever I am going, I ask myself “What are my intentions for this upcoming trip?” Essentially, I am asking myself what the purpose of the trip or event is and what do I want to get out of it. Then I write down what my intentions are, how I want to feel during and after the trip or event, and what the purpose of the occasion is. For example, when I went to Fort Myers, Florida to visit my boyfriend’s dad and stepmom, my intentions were to get to know his family better and relax and take a break from work. On my most recent trip to White Lake, my intentions were to soak up as much time as I could with my family, be as fully present as I possible could, and make memories with my siblings.
Shifting the focus to something more positive and something that you are more able to control can be incredibly helpful in reducing anxiety and getting the most out of your vacation. Setting these intentions ahead of time helps me stay grounded and mindful so that when I am faced with a challenge or trigger, I can refer back to these intentions and decide what response or action will best align with the intentions I set. It gives you something to focus on and commit to. If you have an intention of being present and making memories with your family, you will be much less likely to let the inevitable triggers get to you.
Setting intentions can also help you bring awareness to some of the triggers you may face. When I am setting my intentions for my travels, I am also asking myself some additional questions like “What will you do if you feel triggered or insecure?” or “What are some of my triggers and how can I manage them?” You can also ask yourself “What events might deter me from staying intentional or prevent me from reaching my goals during this trip?” This allows you to think ahead and brainstorm a game plan that will help you get back on track.
These intentions remind yourself of why you are there. There are a few other mantras that I remind myself of when I am traveling with my family.
Family Travels Mantras
Not everything is about you. Now I’ll admit this sounds a bit harsh, but let me explain myself. Being one of five, there is always a power struggle for attention. It only got worse as we got older. Now when we travel, there are 12 people in one household (5 kids + 5 S.O’s + 2 parents). That is a lot of people! It is easy for me to revert back to things like “Nobody considered me for ___” or “I haven’t gotten 2 words in for the last 30 minutes.” These toxic ways of thinking can make it seem like the entire family is against me or doesn’t care about me. Obviously that is not true! When I tell myself that not everything is about me, I am reminding myself that everyone here has needs & wants and just because mine aren’t being met in that exact moment does not mean they will never be met. It helps me put my guard down and enjoy the conversation, the activity, and go with the flow a bit more.
You can’t control everything. As a professional micro-manager, this is an essential one for me to remind myself of. I can’t control the way my family responds to each other or to me, I can’t control what the weather is like, I can’t control every meal I have, and I can’t control how others feel. Reminding myself of this allows me to relax a bit more and let people do what they want to do. This also takes the responsibility off of me. I don’t feel the need to fix someone’s attitude, clean up after someone else, or any other issue or situation that may come up. Releasing responsibility might sound counterproductive but it might just give you the chill pill you’ve been waiting for.
Remind yourself of why you are there. I guess this isn’t technically a mantra but it goes right back to my point of setting your intentions for the trip. Reminding yourself that you’re ultimately there to spend time with family and make memories can help you loosen up. This also helps you stay mindful and will give you a little boost of motivation to be cool, calm, and collected.
Try to find gratitude. I guess this last one is also not technically a mantra but it is nonetheless helpful. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, triggered, or frustrated with my family, connecting to gratitude cools me down. It is easy to take a victim mindset when you are surrounded by your family. This type of mindset is not going to be helpful and will only put you on the defensive. Finding gratitude for being with my family, having the financial ability to see my family, and being grateful to still have these people in my life is incredibly helpful for making the most out of my time there. At the end of the day, as you get older and older, you most likely will spend less and less time around your family. Keeping this in mind helps me make the most out of these trips and helps me be more forgiving and brush past things that don’t really matter at the end of the day.
A quick Recap
Thank you for reading this all the way through! I wanted to do a quick recap so you can have simple, tangible tips to help you on your next family vacation or honestly any upcoming social event.
Be mindful around alcohol and other substances that alter your consciousness.
Set boundaries around alcohol, whether that is a time limit or dose limit.
Replace alcoholic drinks with seltzers or flavored water.
Stay hydrated, avoid drinks before eating, and stick to clear & clean types of alcohol.
Maintain your routines.
Hold yourself accountable to the activities or behaviors that make you feel like yourself.
Prioritize self-care, even if it’s for 5 minutes.
Keep some aspect of your routine in place, whether that is part of your morning routine, night routine, skincare routine, workout routine, etc.
Set intentions for your trips.
Journal or brainstorm what you intentions are for your upcoming trip.
Brainstorm potential triggers or challenges that you might face & what you can do to overcome them.
Focus on yourself & let go of the things you cannot control.
That’s all I’ve got for you today! I hope you were able to take at least one thing from this post. I love sharing what I’ve learned from doing some personal reflection with you. I hope you get just as much out of it as I do. If you have tips for family vacations, social events, or any other challenging occasion, share them with me on Instagram, TikTok, or Pinterest @trainwithtorik or email them to me at trainwithtorik@gmail.com. I’ll see you next time!