My Biggest fear

I have been feeling awfully philosophical lately so apologies in advance. Just kidding — I truly hope my more self developmental blogs are interesting & useful to some degree. If I am totally honest, these types of posts are more like diary entries for me. It is an opportunity for me to reflect on my own life, my own thoughts, and my own actions. It is a chance for me to look deeper and be more honest with myself. It also allows me to just get it all out there, word vomit my thoughts all over this page. It gives me a way to get these ideas and thoughts out of my head and into something more concrete and more useful.

I have always been drawn to writing. As a kid, my dream job was to be an author. I know I will be one one day, maybe not exactly at this moment, but I know it’s in the cards for me. As I got older, I doubted my ability to write a full novel. I thought it would be too difficult and time consuming. I told myself I didn’t have any original ideas and I didn’t have the discipline to do it. The thought of being an author overwhelmed me. So I thought I could go to school to do the next best thing (at least what I thought was the next best thing at the time): journalism. That didn’t last very long. Journalism has very little similarities to being an author. The only thing they do have in common is the fact that they both involve writing. After many family members told me I wouldn’t make any money if I went to school for that and realizing that journalism was not like being a novelist, I gave up that idea.

I stopped journaling around this time too. In between the idea of being a book author and a journalist, I thought I’d like to write poetry. I was really drawn to poetry and writing an entire novel of poems felt a lot less daunting than writing an entire fiction book. In fact, I did my senior project (which I actually did my junior year of high school) on this. I wrote a book of poems and I published it on Amazon. So I guess I’m already an author…? I’m not sure if that counts.

But I didn’t go to school for language arts, english, journalism, or creative writing. I went to school for exercise science, another one of my greatest passions.

I used to journal a lot and I’d write a lot of poetry as a way to express what I was feeling or thinking. I have entire notebooks filled with poems that were really just words on a page in the structure of a poem. When I published my senior project, I realized I hated the idea of other people reading my work. I even hated re-reading my poems by myself in my room. I cringed every time I read one and I cringed even harder at the idea of a family member or friend reading them. I was so terrified of being judged.

I still can’t read those poems to this day without wanting to squirm. When my boyfriend peaks over my shoulder while I write my blogs I cringe too. It makes me feel so incredibly vulnerable to have other people read something I created and then give me feedback on it. Or even not give me feedback on it. If anything, it’s worse when they don’t say anything at all! I’d almost rather someone say that they hated something I wrote than to not tell me what they thought.

Even as I write this, I think about you (yes, you) reading this post. To my surprise, I actually don’t feel so vulnerable. Maybe it’s because I don’t know you. Maybe it’s because nobody reads these for the most part anyways. Or maybe because this feels a lot more authentic than the poetry I was writing for my senior project. Maybe it’s because this post, really is just my stream of consciousness. It’s not curated, it wasn’t planned. I actually was going to write about something completely different when I sat down to write this. And truth be told, I have no idea where this is going.

What I had planned to write about was fear. Today, I was driving home from the gym after training two clients and I was thinking about this feeling, this desire inside of me. This pull to be someone or make something that is great. And I thought to myself, what is my biggest fear? I’m not really sure where this question came from. What I used to say was that my biggest fear was falling in love, full-heartedly believing I was in love with someone and they were my forever person, and then falling out of love with them. And I think that was my biggest fear for a long time. It was until I started loving myself more than I love anyone else.

That sounds extremely narcissistic doesn’t it? I apologize if it does, but it really is the truth. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts of me I want to change or I dislike. There are plenty of things that I want to change about myself, that is why I am so in love with self-development books and podcasts. That is why I go to therapy and do self-reflection. That is why I wake up every day and listen to an Activation — because there are parts of me I want to change. But you know what else is really cool? All of those things that I am doing to change myself, are also things I am doing because I love myself.

A few years ago, I absolutely despised myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I thought, the way I acted. I would drink every weekend, I would smoke cigarettes, binge-eat, make myself throw up, starve myself, burn myself, put way too much on my calendar than I could handle, talk negatively to myself in the mirror, the list goes on. There were other things I did too, rather things I didn’t do because I despised myself. I wouldn’t allow myself to take a rest day from the gym, I wouldn’t read for fun, I wouldn’t stick up for myself in relationships, I wouldn’t set boundaries, I wouldn’t do anything to help myself in any way.

Now, I am doing these things like reading self help books, listening to self development podcasts, spending my money on products that support my health, sticking to my budget, journaling again, working on this blog, taking on clients that are challenging, doing workouts that I love, taking time off of the gym, going to therapy, listening to Activations and meditations, doing my skincare every morning and night, meal prepping, making plans with people I actually like being around… you get the idea. Basically, what I am trying to say is that I am behaving in a way that is beneficial to me. I am taking action on things that make me a better person, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, employee, coach, athlete — all of the different roles I play. I am truly investing in myself. This blog is making me absolutely no money. It takes up a lot more of my time than I’d like to admit. And like I said, nobody really reads these posts anyways, yet I still post every single Tuesday, and every single Friday (except last Friday lol). And I am doing that because I love myself.

What does posting a blog post twice a week have to do with loving myself? I am investing in myself. I am investing in my belief that I have the ability to turn this into something great. I am doing this because I enjoy it and I want to. I am doing this because I believe I deserve my own self’s time of day (if that is even proper grammar). I am doing this because I know that one day, I’ll look back and think, Thank god I loved myself enough to believe in myself.

Last summer, I was doing an internship at a high school. It wasn’t my favorite internship but it taught me one of the most valuable things I could have learned about being a coach. To be a good coach, you just need to truly, full-heartedly believe in your athletes. Taking on this perspective with my clients has taught me a lot about not only being a good coach, but being a good person. It has taught me to be a good person not just to others, but also to myself. And now, I am learning to be my own coach, my own cheerleader, my own source of motivation and inspiration.

So let’s go back to that question I asked earlier: “What is my biggest fear?” I’d like to share that with you. I’d like to share my biggest fear with you, even though that sounds like the most vulnerable thing a person can do on the internet.

My biggest fear, is not living up to my full potential. My biggest fear is not leaving it all on the table. It’s lacking the courage to believe in myself enough to take the risk, to listen to my intuition, to follow my dreams.

I’m sorry if my biggest fear was disappointing to you. Maybe it sounds lame to you, or maybe it hits home. Maybe that is your biggest fear and maybe you are just now realizing it.

I am going to ask you to do something now. I am going to ask you to identify your biggest fear. What scares you the most? When you think about yourself in 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years, what are you most scared of happening (or not happening)? I want you to write it down. I want you to look at it in the eyes and really take it in. I want you to feel what it feels like for this fear to come true. What thoughts go through your mind? What does your body feel like? What does it feel like in your chest?

Once you’ve taken it in, you’ve soaked up those feelings, I want you to ask yourself another question: What is scarier, the fear of failing or the fear of not trying at all? Truly, which is scarier? For me, it 110% is the fear of not trying at all. It’s the fear of the “what if?” It is the fear of disappointing myself — not anyone else, just myself. When it really comes down to it, it doesn’t matter if my parents are proud, if my siblings are proud, if my boyfriend is proud of me. What really scares me is not making myself proud.

Once you’ve answered both of these questions, I want you to do one more thing. I want you promise yourself that when the time comes to take action on these dreams, these goals, these fears, you take a chance on yourself. You take the leap, you dive all the way in. You leave everything on the table.

It might not be right now, it might be tomorrow, or next month, or in five years. But whenever the time comes, and you’ll know when it does, you must take action and you must bet on yourself.

I know that this post is kind of all over the place, but I just want to wrap a few things up. I don’t really know what my full potential looks like. I don’t know if it has anything to do with this blog at all. I don’t know if it involves writing, or working out, or social media, or coaching. I just know that I love to write, I love to coach, I love to lift, I love to live. I know that if I keep on going, I’ll find my potential. I’ll feel the tug, I’ll see the white space, I’ll see my chance. I know that I won’t have the courage to take the chance and I won’t have the opportunity at all if I just sit on my hands and wish for it to come. I know that I have to work for it at the end of the day. I have to search for it. I have to believe that if I keep on pushing, it will find me. So that’s why I am writing, that is why I am working on this blog even though blogs aren’t really that popular anymore. That is why I am still trying to be a better coach. That is why I am reading more and learning new hobbies and trying new things. I might do this blog for a year and realize it isn’t what I am meant for, and that’s okay too. But I have to exhaust all my options. So I am here doing exactly that.

I hope you really enjoyed this post. I hope you enjoyed seeing a glimpse into my brain. I hope this inspired you to go out and search for your passion or potential or fear. If you’d like to share your fear or your passion with me, you can find me on TikTok, Instagram, or Pinterest @trainwithtorik or you can email me at trainwithtorik@gmail.com. Until next time.