Communication in Long-term relationships

There are a few things that I have learned from being in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 2.5 years now. While we are still in the early days of our relationship, I’ve had a few relationships myself that have not been successful, beneficial, or healthy. Witnessing my fellow twenty-something year old friends struggle with their boyfriends and relationships gives me another perspective on what a healthy relationship truly means. Recently, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and it has not been going the way I expected it to. Witnessing and listening to all the events occurring with their breakup has caused me to reflect on my own relationships, past and present. So here are a few tips on improving communication, my number one relationship non-negotiable. Please take with a grain of salt — I’m still only 22:)

You are probably thinking “OMFG Tori, if someone tells me that ‘communication is key’ one more time I’m going to blow a fuse.” I know, I know. This used to piss me off too because what the hell does communication even mean??

But this is probably the number one thing I have learned about having a healthy relationship. You must communicate with your partner. And I mean communicate everything — not just the negative things, also the positive ones. So let’s dive a bit more into what communication means when you’re in a romantic relationship.

Honest Communication

First off, honesty is the best policy. This means being honest about how you’re feeling, your relationship expectations, your household expectations if you live together, your future expectations, etc. I am constantly “communicating” my own personal goals, career goals, health goals, weekly goals, and all other goals I am storing in my brain to my boyfriend. The main reason why I constantly tell him what I am striving for is so that he understands my priorities and values. While this is communication in & of itself, it also bring about further communication in our relationship. Whenever I explain my goals, aspirations, and dreams, I also get the opportunity to explain to him why I have those goals and dreams. This helps him understand me more and learn more about me. This also ensures that we grow together rather than apart.

Embrace change & be open about it

I think a big mistake a lot of couples make is not allowing or being aware of their partner changing. If you regularly tell your partner about what you are striving for at any point in time, they won’t be surprised when you take that job offer across the country, you start teaching dance classes, or you seriously start saving for a house. Whatever your current goals are, making sure your partner is aware of them is essential to being each other’s cheerleader.

Other important things to discuss include your relationship expectations, a rough timeline for your relationship, and your current feelings for one another.

Your Relationship timeline

Making sure you both have the same end goal in mind for your relationship is essential. This one is pretty obvious but is surprisingly left out of the picture for far too long in many relationships. Do you want kids? Do you plan to get married? Where do you plan to settle down? Do you ever want to settle down? Do you want pets together? When is a good time to move in together? When should you meet each other’s families? I can keep going… You should also both be on relatively the same timeline for all of these milestones. If one of you is ready to get married and start popping out babies next year but the other one doesn’t plan to start that process for another 5 years, you should be aware of this! This can help you decide if you are truly meant for each other, if you’re in different points of your life, or if you are both willing to compromise on these things.

Setting relationship expectations

In terms of relationship expectations, this can be as small as who does the dishes after dinner or as big as who is going to be the breadwinner and who is going to stay home with the kids. Do you want to have traditional household roles or do you want to divide up those responsibilities differently? My boyfriend and I started by decided who did what chores around our apartment. He cleans the bathroom and vacuums each week and I’m responsible for laundry and cleaning the kitchen each week. Other chores and duties we split as they come up or depending on who has more time week to week.

Besides just household chores, relationship expectations can also mean how you interact with each other in social situations. Do you expect him to have your back 100% of the time even if you are 110% wrong? Do you expect him to always go to your grandmother’s house for Christmas? How often do you want to have date night? How often should you have sex?

What do you expect your partner to do for you? Not just acts of service, but also emotional acts of service. Do you expect him to be there for you when you have doctor’s appointments, motivate you to get into the gym more, listen to you when you have a bad day, push you towards your goals? These are the things you must talk about and communicate constantly and openly.

Communicating your current feelings

This might sound strange to you if you are just starting out in a relationship, but news flash (JK, I’m sure you already know this) — you’re relationship won’t always be in the honeymoon phase. There will be times of distance, times when you fight more than usual, times when you don’t feel connected, and times when you’d rather be alone. You might be thinking that if I feel that way in my relationship, I must be unhappy and not actually love my partner. That’s where you are wrong. Being in a long-term relationship, especially one when you’re living together, making big life decisions together, going through massive changes, or going through immense life struggles is bound to change and challenge your relationship. There will be points when your partner might not cut it for you. You might feel more seen and heard going to your friends, siblings, or parents. You might look to coaches and mentors instead of your partner for advice. You might feel like you’re going through this struggle on your own.

It is okay, and natural to go through periods of time when you’re not as focused on your relationship. The most important thing to do during these moments is, you guessed it — communicate! If you are going through some personal battles or identity changes, your relationship will shift. A side effect of that is that your feelings might shift as well. It won’t feel the same in your relationship and the relationship flow or dynamic might be off. It is much easier to shove that sh*t down and try to ignore it than it is to bring it to the surface, look your partner in their face, and tell them how you’re feeling. This does not mean you want to end things with them, it just means you feel the shift and you want to flow through this shift together.

Choosing to shove these feelings down will just create more space between you and your partner. If you need more alone time, girl time, or whatever-else-you-need time during a certain season of your life, tell your partner that. If they are truly the right person for you, they will be able to accept and understand that, and give you what you need. If you need more support and help with daily life things instead, tell them that! Ask them to pick up your slack for a little bit while you find your footing. If you can’t find a way to communicate and compromise these feelings, the distance will grow and grow, the resentment will grow and grow, and you know where that will lead.

My main point here is to say the scary things out loud. At least in my experience, once I do, my guard drops, my chest feels lighter, and I can feel more comfortable and at peace around my boyfriend. Keeping these feelings of needing more space or more support to myself causes me to feel more and more alone in my relationship. Find the courage to say your feelings, and then reassure your partner that it does not mean you want to end things — you just need a shift.

Couple Debriefs: Your hack to keeping communication open

Once a month, my boyfriend and I do a couple debrief. We have seven questions we ask each other relating to our relationship. Some are positive like “What was your favorite memory this month?” Others are more constructive and reflective like “How can I serve you better next month?” We also have a few questions that help us stay on the same track and understand what each other are prioritizing at the moment. For this, we ask the questions “What are your goals for next month?” and “Is there anything you need help with next month?” These questions might sound corny, unneccessary, or maybe even surface-level to you. The whole point of these debriefs is to set time aside for us to work on our relationship and open up the floor for greater communication. Sometimes we do them in 30 minutes, other times they take 2 hours. It all depends on how distant we got that month, and these moments help bring us back together.

You can do something like this monthly, or even weekly if you’d like. Also know that this is not the only time to bring something up that’s bothering you. If there is a pet-peeve that your partner has been doing for a few days, tell them! Don’t let that resentment build up because it’s not convenient or you’re afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. If you truly care about your relationship, be honest and truthful with your partner. They might not even know that they’re bothering you!

With that being said, just because something they do irks you does not mean you can criticize them for it. Ask yourself if the behavior is actually a pet peeve or if it just the way they do something. Criticizing and nit-picking every activity they do just because it’s not how you like to do it is not neccessarily being an effective communicator. Be sure you aren’t try to change everything about your partner. There are a few things you might just need to accept & move on. Not every battle is worth fighting.

The whole point of this post is to show you that communication is important, even if it sounds cliche. I hope that this post made communication feel a little less scary, daunting, or complicated. You don’t need to get caught up in the weeds of making sure you check off everything in this post every week, or every month, or every day. The main point is to say what you’re feeling and thinking and to stay on the same page as your partner. Don’t hold in your feelings, your aspirations, or your expectations — say them loud & proud. If you have the right one, they will listen, accept, and help you achieve these goals. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, or Pinterest @trainwithtorik or via email at trainwithtorik@gmail.com. Until next time!